Jewish food makes Italian food look like Lean Cuisine -Joan Rivers *********

(8/22/22) What do you call it when a kosher sausage comes of age?

A Brat Mitzvah

8/10/22

Two Jewish women are complaining about a restaurant
The first one says 'the food was terrible' the other says 'yes it was and such small portions too' (hat tip Woody Allen)

7/14/22

A Jewish mother’s answering machine:

For Kugel, press 1
For knishes, press 2
For chicken soup, press 3
For matzoh balls in the soup, press 4

…If you’re calling to ask how I am feeling, you have the wrong number, because no one ever asks how I am feeling. No really, I am fine.

7/7/22

Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream is coming out with a line of Jewish-themed ice creams in the following flavors:

Wailing Wallnut
Moishemellow
Mazel Toffee
Chazalnut
Oy Ge-malt
Mi Ka-mocha
Berry Pr'i Hagafen
Choc-Eilat Chip
Simchas T'Oreo

It should be noted that all of these flavors come in either a cup or a Cohen
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6/22/22

My deli guy is very witty.
He has a rye sense of humor.
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“Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.” - Milton Berle
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“One time, I checked to make sure that some cocktail sauce did not contain any chametz [‘leavened’ goods forbidden on Passover]. Once I made sure that it did not, I then proceeded to put it on the shrimp that I was eating.” - Unknown“

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Jewish cuisine has its own Holy Trinity… garlic, onion, and schmaltz.

What does a Jewish woman make for dinner? Reservations.

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You know how they butcher kosher meat, right? The cows aren't slaughtered. They're nagged to death.

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Noah's son walks into a kosher deli and orders a sandwich.

"Sorry," said the owner. "We don't serve Ham."

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I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard, so I quit slicing cold turkey.

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A man is on his deathbed and smells noodle kugel. His daughter is by his bedside. And he says, I smell kugel. And she says, yeah, Mom is making some kugel. He's on his last breaths, and he says, just to taste Kugel once before I die. And she says, of course, Daddy.

And she runs into the kitchen, gets back. She sits down. She folds her hands. He says - barely even able to say the words - where's the kugel? And she says, Mom says it's for after. – Michael Krasney

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Moishe and Miriam were sitting down to eat at the dinner table. Miriam commented, "You know, Moishe, when we were first married, you took the small piece of brisket and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. You don't love me anymore?"

"Nonsense, honey," replied Moishe, "you just cook better now." – AISH.com

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A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him.

Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man. The blind man ran his fingers over the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this crap?"

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“Do not make a stingy sandwich; pile the cold cuts high! Customers should see salami comin’ through the rye.” – Allan Sherman

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